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work work work [Oct. 23rd, 2012|03:20 pm]
Why do I always have to say something to my boss at work the day before I have 2 days off.  Now I'm just going to be paranoid all god damn day and night thinking about the repercussions of my words.  Someone's going to get fired...  I'm going to make more enemies...  I asked for a position that I'm not even sure if I want now.  Sure I would get paid a salary and I would be able to afford things like my own apartment, maybe a new car, and anything else that I might want or need.  I just don't know if this is all going to be worth it.  

It's time for me to just shuuuuuut the fuuuuck up again.  I always seem to do this, and I don't know why I can't step back and think before I act and speak.  Maybe it's the lack of sleep or a poor diet...  Maybe I'm just fucking crazy.  That seems more logical hahahah.  
I'm still attracted to my ex, I am so paranoid I can't stop thinking about work even though I don't have to be back there until 5:00 Friday morning.  I'm starting to think that I've lost my ability to keep my cool, and just relax.  Sometimes I'm pretty sure that my level of enjoyment is directly related to how much I've consumed.  

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Louie has a hangover [Oct. 22nd, 2012|09:35 pm]
I used to feel like this every single day...  I guess I still do, but I don't drink enough to get hungover anymore.  It's more of a choice to tune everyone out...

I am such a silly bastard.  But I do enjoy this feeling of smiling like a complete idiot.  

My dad gave me a journal that used to either belong to him, or Martha.  It's something oddly special to me.  The cover is a simple brown leather with the word "Journal" embossed lightly on the cover.  The pages are old and they are lined with that gold trim that you would see on a holy document.  I know that at some point it held some powerful words and emotions, and I hope that it can do the same for me.

I just need to find a pen that I like to write with.
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Watching this damn movie again... [Oct. 21st, 2012|04:01 pm]
... Even though I cry every time.

Why do I find myself in the same place I always do?  Why am I always wishing and dreaming?  I just have all this "creativity" and no way to express it.  I'm just so god damn average it makes me sick.  

I'm caught somewhere between Bukowski and Jim Carrey.  My life feels like a sad comedy.

As much as I just want to forget it all, and block out every memory, I can't.  I still love her.  I would leave all my flaws and habit behind in order to live a happy life with the woman I choose.  

it will never happen.  And these fleeting moments, are exactly that.  They are all just illusions.
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what a wonderful night. [Oct. 21st, 2012|02:03 am]
Went to the House of Blues tonight to see Through the roots, Passafire, and Rebulution. She came with me and it was amazing. It was like nothing happened. It was all back for a few brief hours, no, it was better. Truely what it should have been like in the first place...
I played it cool for as long as I could today. She sat down on my bed and all I wanted to do was spill my guts.

But I didn't. And now I am sitting in bed, and everything is very still.
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If I ever feel like I'm having a bad day... [Oct. 10th, 2012|10:15 pm]
I should watch this video...


Anyway.  Things are good...  I guess.  
Work is dramatic as usual.  My love life is non-existent as usual.  My bank account is empty as usual.

I still have a mohawk, and I have been shaving it regularly.  My Moustache is starting to grow wild, and might just be enough to pull off the "Scruffy" look for Halloween.  

I'm also going to see Rebelution next weekend, with Jerry, and I'm not totally sure how that will turn out.  As much as I would love to break down and try to be with her, I think I would rather just try and enjoy myself.  How do you walk away from your friend at a show and not have an awkward ride home?

I wish i was more confident...  
Maybe a thousand sit-ups would do the trick?
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2012|06:14 pm]
Been a while since I've laid in bed all day drinking...

I had some crazy dreams last night, including the fact that my dad bought be a hooker for the entire night.  I then spent 90% of my dream asking her if she was real, and then asking my dad if he had really paid for her. 

I obviously need to get laid.  Sadly to say, I don't see that happening any time soon.  I haven't been in a relationship for almost a year, and the last time I had sex, well, it was terrible.  OH and the time before that, I didn't even get off.  

I hate to get gross, but I haven't had any time to myself lately, and it's kinda killin me.  My dad has been home for 4 days now, and I don't get any time to jam out on my new guitar, no time to have people over, and no time to.. well yeah...

I think I'll shave my head tonight...  If I have a few more beers.
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All scarlet begonias and I miss you too damn much. [Sep. 23rd, 2012|05:32 pm]
It's like You're teasing me.  You know I look at Your posts, and You know that I follow You.  Why do You post things that directly relate to me?  

I told you how I felt, and I'm sure you don't feel the same.  Sooooo I guess it's really up to me to move on.
That's kinda heavy.  Damnit.
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Goodnight [Sep. 21st, 2012|09:25 pm]
I will only write what I can while I light my last joint of the night.  I'm already halfway done, so maybe I should get a move on.  I enjoy writing here more and more.  It makes me feel better about what is going on in my life.  I used to just get drunk and swim around in all of my negative thoughts, but now I can enjoy the simple things more than ever.  I spent close to four hours sitting on my 'back porch' smoking my hookah, listening to music, and doing absolutely nothing on the internet.  Must do this more often.  

Joint is burning dangerously low...
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I don't want to live on this planet anymore... [Sep. 20th, 2012|09:35 pm]
[mood |Stoned]

Feels like I'm never going to have that again ya know?  

I want to be apart of her life more than anything else despite all that I know.  Is it a part of my addictive personality?  Or is it because I'm so socially awkward and can't being myself to go out and meet new people.  I sit behind my screens and aliases dreaming of that perfect one to just pop out at me.  I'm watching my inbox slowly fill up with messages from fake women, and those that I have already had contact with....  and yes, that does make me feel like a bad person.

On another note, my moustache is almost twistable again.
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Cool, Comfortable, and Collected [Sep. 19th, 2012|06:06 pm]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Toynbee Tiles]

Today has not been a total waste, no matter how little I did.  
I had time to talk to an old friend online and she never fails to make me smile.  She is smart, and beautiful and boosts my ego to unmeasurable heights.  She is in my head, already knowing what I'm thinking and feeling, and does not hesitate to put it all out on the table.  She laughs at all my jokes, blushes when I compliment her, and welcomes my flirtatious advances.  When I talk to her I don't feel like a nerd, or lame for that matter, because she is right there with me.  Every quote and every lyric is echoed by the next line as though we are in sync with each other.  However, a woman like this is too good to be true, and she is.  With a long standing committed relationship as well as two children, she is far from attainable.  There's some kinda pattern here.  Something about wanting what you can't have...

Now I am enjoying this cool weather flood through my windows, and the quietness of my neighborhood.  I've got my wonderful Yoshi by my side and a another whole day off.  The only thing I'm missing is a beautiful woman to help me smoke all this weed.  I should really get out and about sometime to meet these elusive females.
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